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December 2, 2008

New Base Ball Rules, Fed Style

It is time to improve the game of Base Ball, to make it more exciting and to help the poor, beleaguered players who are having a very hard time making ends meet.

Now that The Fed, The Treasury and The Congress have instituted no fault banking, at least for the big, important Wall Street misfits, we propose to use a similar system to improve the game. Here is how it will work:

Players earning less that a million dollars get three strikes and are out, the standard fare for low value players.

Players earning between one and fifteen million dollars per season, not counting bonuses, get five strikes and are out. This should improve their home run performance because they can swing for the fences more freely, with less worry about being throw out.

But the ultimate improvement will come about from the performance of the very best players. Best as defined as those taking the most money home, regardless of their actual performance on the field. These distinguished players, those earning above fifteen million dollar per season in base salary, will now have nine strikes and they are out.

As an added bonus, distinguished players will now be on the two for two plan instead of the old one for four plan. Why should you only get one base for four balls? Now they will get two bases for two balls.

To support these plans, fans going to the stadium will be charged an extra fifty percent for the seat. The Commissioner is in talks with TV executives to improve the quality of the broadcasts by raising the fees the stations will pay the Base Ball League.

Exciting times indeed.

Denny Schlesinger

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